The Best Fiend Named “Boob”

Who is a best friend to you? Who is that one person who would always take your side against all odds? A person who remains constant throughout the most precious years of your life.

Like I told you, in class 7^th, 2008, I started making friends and not just any friends. One of them was Arjun; for some reason the class revolved around him. It was that Facebook-Phase, where everything that started; started from FB. The main reason, I jumped to talk about my bestfriend instead of continuing writing about the morons I dated is because, you’ll be reading a lot about this very person. Why? Because it has been 6 years now since I know this person, I grew up with him, I’ve been through all his phases which included;

1)     I-want-to-die phase

2)     I-am-a-swimmer phase.

3)     BasketBall phase.

4)     Relationship phase.

5)     High-School-Musical Phase

6)     Eminem Phase.

7)     You-are-my-bestfriend phase

8)     Also, I-hate-you phase.

9)  Currently ( 2013) EDM and Kobe Bryant and Sarah  ( Please Note;  Kobe Bryant is Arjun’s inspiration, as well as role model while EDM is the type of music he truly loves, whereas Sana, is his girl. You cannot seperate the Arjun from the Basketball, or the Arjun from the EDM or the the Arjun from his Sarah who he loves the most.)

We were great friend till mid of 2008 until one special day, I slapped him. I slapped him because he was going to disclose my crush who was a geek, a very weird-looking geek. I slapped him and he yelled “FUCK OFF” to me. It was the first time someone actually abused me and I was only 13. So we both eventually ended up crying, I cried as openly as I could while he kept rubbing his eyes, saying “I got something in my eye”

That incident marked our friendship; then it all started, watching him sad, experiencing his first break up, supporting him, watching him play basketball for the first time, fighting with him, fighting for him, watching him succeed, hearing him brag about his sex life; everything. There were times we just drifted off, just stopped talking but I never came to that conclusion that we will never be back to the friends we were.  Because as far as I know, bestfriend just don’t drift away. Neither did we.

In class 10^th, when I was mopping over a guy like Rihaan, Arjun helped me get over it and I am not saying he was the sweetest person on Earth, he still teases me over that entire relationship. That year was jut filled with him being a constant bitch to me, insulting me and also trying to convince me to gain weight. It was this year, we started to talk about more deeper things that actually troubled us. Arjun, almost the entire class seemed to know him, so did I, but he proved me wrong, even though I was his bestfriend for so long, he never opened up to me till he did later.  He was the one who made me go to parties, and made me meet the other guy I actually dated; Rahul. It was around this time, he used to message me every night telling me that something bothers him and I would just ask him to sleep or tell him all the good things he is. It kept going on for a while till I started wondering if he was hiding something from me; which he was. He was dating someone and he told me after 4 months, but I wasn’t angry at all. I was more than happy because the person he was dating was wonderful, and she loved him and as a bestfriend I wanted nothing else for him.

It was like a ritual, every time I needed help or he needed help, we would just try and talk each other out or just wait for things to pull back into place; I knew he could help me solve my problems or maybe help me go through them, it was just good having someone around, you know? Someone who constantly cared and knew you better than anyone.

Even during break ups with my boyfriend(s) where I was wrong, he’d show that I am right and the guys I dated weren’t the right guy. There was a time I stopped talking to Arjun because of a boyfriend and it wasn’t an easy decision, not talking to someone who you grew up with for 6 years, is never an easy decision cause every time something went wrong I wanted to go running to him and I couldn’t. There were times I wanted to talk to him about how bad it felt to not talk to him, which is also one of the reasons why I’m writing this blog; trying to release the burden of everything that was building within me. So again, not talking to him was like 6 years from my life gone in vain. It was hard for me to even look at him. So to top it all, he messaged me that if he turns into an introvert, it’ll be because of me and then something inside me just snapped. What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? I never knew I was so important to anyone to begin with.  

Its 2013, we are still best friend and I intent to keep it that way. Boy friends come and go, in my case, they do but I know, if not them or certain friends; I do know I have a best friend who I’ll stick to. Not just today but years from.

He never tells me anything, he expects me to just find out and I would love to but those who  know Arjun, also know that he masks his emotions in ways  I could never master. It hurts me, I know him; I wrote him what you are reading right now, of course I know him but he just doesn’t want to be wrong ever, even if that means constantly telling me that I try to make my life sound happy. The truth is, my life is happy. I’ve been to places, really dark places and when something bad happens instead of fighting it away, I just keep it aside waiting for it to fade away but naturally it doesn’t. In life, nothing fades, things linger around us almost like memories and forgotten incidents from the past that return to haunt us, but nothing ever fades. They hide. They attack. They win. So again, if one bad thing happens, I feel like all those memories and incidents are let loose upon me, chasing me to an extent I need someone to hear me. Someone to share the echoes of my mind with. Someone like Arjun, who knows me enough to shake me back out of those places. It is not like the world knows my life, it is my choice to be known to my best friend.

During my second school trip, in class 8^th, our entire friend circle had this nasty fight and I was in the bus with the rest of my school mates. We were heading back to our hometown and I clearly remember, being really sad and Arjun came to me to talk.  This was the year, we had a fight cause Arjun told me I was too girly to be his best friend, so naturally I was hurt ( and I used to cry even more than I actually do now).  He tells me that I was a better bestfriend to him last year, and that’s what it took for me to start crying! I told him, straightforwardly  “ I won’t involve myself in your life” and he quickly added “ I want you to involve yourself!”

And I guess, that is what I have been doing since then, involving myself in his life and it hurts me when I hear that I don’t know him. He doesn’t know some part of me as well, that is because they are too dark to ever pass my mouth but I know him and I want to keep knowing him but now he won’t let me.

In contrast to the conversation we had in the second school trip, if I compare the conversation we had recently in our last trip as students together, it would just describe how long we have actually come across as people.

In our most recent school trip, that is class 12^th, I was thinking a lot, looking at the sea and wondering about things that actually bothered me. It was the first time, I let the doors to those dark places burst open; it was sad, blurred and tangled. Arjun knew I was sad, so he caught hold of me in the bus again, and he asked me what was wrong and he asked me why I think so much and I had answers to none.  Deep down I did, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak it. Instead I said that his life was easy and surprised myself by saying that , cause it wasn’t. Arjun’s life was never easy, he suffered, he strengthened, he broke at times and now, he makes me proud in so many levels. Arjun told me that he doesn’t remember half of the things from his past because he has so much already in his mind and like I usually do, I wished to have opened that head of his and go through his thoughts like unread books.

So I guess, the constant fear I have is, to leave school and start all over again. Without my best friend.

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Love Life II

I was hoping to remind you that I am not trying to show that I am the most unique person on earth, in my world, maybe I am but I would like to recall that my world consists of only those around me and those who cross my path, my world revolves around me, and  guess, that’s how it should be, right? If you read my words aloud you would realize that I am there in your life as well, maybe in your world I am your sister, or your girlfriend or your daughter; I can be anyone; really. It’s your world, it may revolve around you, but you cannot control who you have in your life and why, who hurts you and who breaks you; maybe it’s just the way it is. You are your own master and the rest, is just none of your business.

Continuing from BF¹

BF²

Frankly speaking, I am a writer and I shouldn’t be afraid, so I am going to start writing names which will make things easier for you to follow. Bf¹ is Karan and Bf² is Rihaan. Now the thing about Rihaan was; he was a footballer, he had 5 fake teeth, I thought I really liked him and I am glad I am not with him anymore. Why is that? Because I think he is completely different than what I am, I am a wild child, I dance like crazy, I hang out with guys and I love my guy-friends. But he seems shy and very reserved. I am not saying he isn’t cute, he is, but I am just glad we broke up and we are friends now.

He had light brown eyes, with crooked teeth and a really bright smile, he ended up with beard and moustache and not someone I would like to date. Anyway, here the story goes;

When I used to fight with Karan which was very often, Rihaan used to try and solve them; I did the same for him and his girlfriend. It was about time, we started liking each other. After a few weeks, I started dating Rihaan which seemed really nice. He treated me like a girlfriend which was actually very new to me.  During this time, I didn’t have any bestfriend to guide me through this but I was very confident Rihaan was being honest. Exams were getting closer and it was his 10^th year, so he decided to take a break. So we did, we took a break but the break never really ended. We used to still talk but we didn’t talk about what happened before. By then I had a bestfriend, Myra (I’ll tell you about her once I’m done with this.) We had this silly plan of making him really jealous. How was that?  We made it look that I have a new hotter crush which made Rihaan feel insanely insecure; so on April 28^th he asked me out. Finally.

You must have heard about this quote “Enjoy the journey, not the destination.” ?

I guess that was it, trying to be with him was a journey but when I finally had him; when I finally reached the journey, it didn’t seem worth it at all. It seemed more like a huge massive question mark. When we completed a month, he met me under my house and gifted these sharpie pens and a diary which Myra had suggested to give, and he kissed me on my forehead. I was on the 9^th cloud, truly madly was. But it was short lived, after a few days, Rihaan’s mom found out we were dating, so we broke up. I spent over two months mopping over him, really two months. Then I heard the news that he broke up cause he wanted to date someone else, I felt cheated and terrible. By this time, Rohina and I drifted apart, but my other best friend who I fought with before I dated Karan, decided to come back in my life even though a lot of crap was happening in his life, he helped me a lot, he tried to talk me out, cheer me up; what not! But now this wasn’t about a boy friend leaving me for someone else., it was about me not being enough. This thought kept occurring and one night I realized I didn’t want him back. I wanted the self esteem I lost back.

In 2012, while dating my 4^th boyfriend, Varun; Rihaan caught hold of me and cleared the air. He told me that he didn’t break up with me because he wanted to date someone else. He just didn’t want his mother to keep yelling at me.  But it didn’t matter to me at all.

It was all set and done, and I had bigger plans for myself. At least, I thought I did.

Being with Rihaan was like, opening the doors to this endless journey, a journey which started with him but hasn’t found it’s end, even after 2 years now. I find myself on the same journey, with confusion even more violent than earlier.

It scares me, is something wrong with me? Cause the person I ended things with later on, didn’t deserve it. Neither did the person after him.

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My love life.

The problem with love lives, from my view is, it ends and its you who has to usually end it. I was a girl who has kind of a messed up complexion and long hair (until I got a new haircut which was even worse. I got long fringes! ) I was not a girlfriend material, I don’t even remember having any friend till I reached class 7^th and when I did, I just had guy-friends which gave me no time to actually think about actually dating them. No, neither did I like any girls, if that crosses your mind. I spent most of my years hating girls for how they were so happy and perfect. Its seems hard for them to see how fitting in school is so much easier when you’re just pretty and happy but for a girl like me, for who looking pretty never actually occurred to. Why it didn’t? Because I was too young to know what I know as I am typing now. I was untouched by people’s thinking and maybe the truth. When I was in class 8^th, I became actually really happy with my life, cause I had an amazing bestfriend and many friends who cared about me; I was doing well in school but then, I hope you are aware with the theory that, life is a bitch? So I had a fight with everyone including my amazing bestfriend. Middle of all this chaos, a guy came over to my class and asked if I could meet him later today because we were neighbours.  So I did meet him and we exchanged our numbers. So let me tell you that, this boy was my first boyfriend (Bf¹ )

BF¹  

He was a short, not shorter then I am but maybe not that entirely tall either. He has curly hair and he was a guitarist (Still is) . You do remember where we left off right? Yes, the exchange of numbers. What happened next was weird and not something i could figure out myself.  While watching “Shutter”  my phone buzzed and I received a message from BF¹  which was;

“ ________, you look mind boggling and I really love how you smile”

That is the start of the first and probably the most awkward relationship of my life. Why? Because I never started liking him, he practically made me like him. Like when I was all alone, he would stop by and be all amazing and he’d get me chocolates. Who could practically not LOVE the treatment? So let’s say I led him on for one year, enjoyed the treatment and then I realized how serious he was, like he would make me laugh and he would bring in sweets, flirty messages and just so much love. This was the first time in my life I was actually being loved, like the one that gives you reason to wake up in the morning?

Proposing me was like a ritual for him every night. He would ask me just one question  before sleeping; “Would you be my girlfriend?”:  and I wouldn’t reply to it. I would just change the topic or just say goodnight. So there was a time, I actually said yes. I wasn’t thinking neither was I planning to feel the way I was. But all I knew was that, I think he deserved that one word cause maybe I didn’t like/love him the way he did but he deserved it and if for him being with me was the best thing for him, I can do that for him. I am not this great human being or something, I’ve made mistakes and I have ruined people’s life but maybe, just maybe, behind those mistakes and actions I took, there must be a good reason behind it. When I dated him and when people found out, it was like I was some weird animal on the loose and it felt weird but not lonely because I had this amazing boy who loved me too much for me to recollect. He gave what every girl would actually want; he was sweet , loving, lived close to my house and for god sake, he was a guitarist! Who the hell doesn’t like a guitarist and NOT just any guitarist, a guitarist who sang every night Your Beautiful– By James Blunt. If you ask me, it was lovely, a boy like him needs more attention and care than I offered to him. Basically, if you ask me, by the end of the month, I didn’t want to listen to the song again because I was so done with it. If you listen to one song every night, wouldn’t you get tired of it? Nevermind, I didn’t break up with him because of that. Everything was fine, I was dating a person who wasn’t in my group so it made my so called friends jumpy. It was like a joke, but I tried not to care. Bf¹  started joking about my writing which is one thing I truly loved, so even if I made one grammatical mistake; he would make a whole book over it. Not just that, I didn’t love him like he did, but after a month I started questioning that too. So on 21^st of December when we had this school function; we had this huge fight about him being so casual and me being so not-in-love, so we decided not to talk for a few hours. After 7 hours he called me, to ask for a customer care number! Who says that? Who in their right mind asks for a customer care number? So that was it. The end, basically of our relationship as a couple but it was also a beginning to a different kind of a relationship; that of friendship and let me tell you it still lasts ( and I am in class 12^th) .

After a few days, weeks, I met BF²  who played football, you see the pattern? No, yea, cause I don’t have one! But I’ll tell you about him later, for now, I’ll just finish one chapter at a time. So what happened with Bf¹ when I started dating BF² was not that heartbreaking, but when I broke up again; it was like everything was happening all over again. I went for a school trip where he kept telling me that he wanted me, and for that interval where I was away from home, I realized I was confused.  I was confused that I would just make a mistake of falling in love with two boys which was wrong, because I never had such conflicted feelings.

This continued till I broke up with BF²  and BF³ till someone came in class 11^th and he fell in love with this new girl who is incredibly pretty and now, I can tell you, he is worth dating but she doesn’t date him, she practically uses him for make outs and fun, I guess, that’s the point right? They both enjoy it, so I assume they are happy but I know what kind of a person he is. I know he wants more, like something which is more certain but I like to believe he is happy cause he is an amazing person and till date, he assumes that I was the one girl he truly liked.

But not loved. 

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My Family; the roots

I consider my family to be  well known, why? Because my dad was one of the most famous journalist of his time and his writings and interviews are still known. But I guess most of all, my dad has a massive heart. He is generous, he is forgiving; he is the man who would rather sit alone and talk to waiters in the club than talk to someone he dislikes. The talking to the waiter part always came handy to me, the waiters labelled me “baby” and they stuck to it even though now I’m almost the same height as they are.  The only reason why I had such bond with the waiters was because I never really had friends when I was a kid. My father used to bring me to the club every week where a lady used to play with me and literally treat me like her own kid. Now when I see her, she hugs me and all I can think about is, how old she’s become, how the black-brown hair have turned white like snow.  I rarely see her now, its been months and I hope she’s fine and- I really hope she’s still breathing cause if someone tells me she isn’t, a part of me will break.

There was a phase in my life, when my dad lost his job and mom had to open up a guesthouse to help the financial development of the house, from the most pampered kid, I was expected to understand the conditions and stop demanding. So I did, I stopped demanding. One evening in the club, my mom went over to see me in the Children’s Room where I used to play with the lady with black-brown hair.  I wasn’t there, apparently, the lady didn’t even know where I was. All the waiters were searching for me and so were my parents.  My mom was yelling at my dad for letting me roam around by myself while  I was under the kitchen counter telling a waiter how my parents don’t love me anymore. He fed me chips and juices under the counter till I stopped crying. He was the person who told me parents where I was and why I was crying. I crawled out of the counter and my dad carried me home and gave me my favourite ice cream to eat. Also, I slept between my parents that night. My little face poking nudging my mom’s belly. This was my first attempt to feel loved and show everyone I am 10, I am not entirely so strong.

(Besides, even after 8 years, I meet the same waiter who embarrasses me every time when he sees me by telling all his fellow waiters how I was crying and how I am their favourite customer) 

You must be thinking how I am telling about waiters in a post I should be talking about my family. I think family is; who you grew up with, and who helped you stand and what my mother always tells me; you shouldn’t forget the people who loved or cared about you.

So my, dad, like I wrote has an amazing heart but also he’s a logical person. He is the man who stops his car every time he sees a dog dying in the middle of the road, picks the dog up and places him on the side of the street, washes his wounds and then his hands and hope for him to get better while all the people on the road stare at him. I guess, that is one moment where I wanted to hug my dad so hard and tell him I’m proud of him.  My dad never lets me feel the pain he goes through to bring a smile on my face; never. He will cancel his long awaited trip to let me go on school trips, he’d let me talk to him like he’s my friend, so I guess he is the best man I’ve ever came across even though I am reluctant, even though I am wild and annoying and I may NEVER listen to him, he loves me like crazy.  At times, he may get selfish, he may not take us out for dinner to places where you don’t get alcohol and he may not take me out so often, but he did and still does too much for me. Dad always told stories of his mom, who was a princess, by the way he used to narrate her stories, you could feel the love he had for her and how much he sees her in me. I never really met my grandmother but I wish I could have. From what my mom, dad and brother tell me, she was beautiful and I’ve taken after her. So maybe that’s one reason my dad treats me like a princess.  Besides, you gotta see him to believe how cute and pink he is. He is generally sarcastic all the time and I may have caught him a couple of time watching FTV, which I never understood, but now when I do. I’ve came to a conclusion that – nevermind.

My  mom and dad met in their office, where they actually fell in love. Both their family wouldn’t have let them marry as my dad was already married and divorced, so they eloped. I saw the images of their secret marriage. My mom wearing a yellow outfit while my dad’s first wife helped them. Yes, my dad’s first wife and my mom actually bonded really well, even after 21 years of marriage, they are still friends but they are so different. My dad’s first wife has black hair and she would have been pretty only if she could reduce her weight, she is very foulmouthed  and she is the mother to my half-brother. She would abuse every guy on the street while my mother is a polite person, she cries watching animal or people suffer. She is highly emotional but so strong.  She is the woman responsible for shaping the house and lives.  My other is a little darker than I am but I swear, when she is smiles or laughs she is the most beautiful woman. She refuses to dye her hair because she believes everyone should be who they actually are. She sends me ‘Do you love me?” messages every night and she watches Grey’s Anatomy , One Tree Hill with me. She constantly stares at me if a make-out scene comes up.

My mother is the world’s most hard working mother, she can handle my tantrum, take care of her mother , maintain discipline in the house and work the guesthouse. My mother follows Buddhism and it completely suits her. She prays day and night for others believing that good things comes to those who deserve it and who pray for those who need it. With her prayers she has fixed so many wounds and breathed new life into others. I am not saying, she is god or some very eminent person, I am saying; she should be. She talks to people, gives them advices, maybe that’s one things that makes her so beautiful.  In many ways, I resemble her; physically as well as emotionally but it’ll take me years to become as selfless as she is.

 

 Coming to my brother, he is actually my half brother; so that explains why he is 13 years older than I am. I never actually knew all this, I asked my mom once and she told me about my entire twisted family tree. Being his step sister, he never actually treated me the way people demonstrate in movies or books, my brother loves me the most. I watched many of his girlfriends come and go, one thing common in all of them was; their main focus was to woo me. All the barbies and Bratz were given by his girlfriends, I used to get really attached to them but actually the truth was, they started loving me more than they loved him that’s why they are still in contact with me.  My brother is the most loving person on earth, he gets angry too easily and I am not saying he never yelled at me, or that he never threatened to hit me, he has but it was all momentary. There was a time, I was caught in a night club and he yelled at me so much that it made me bawl like an idiot but the same night while I held the corner of my bed; he hugged me and fell asleep.  One of the major fears I have, is losing him. I know he’s my brother, he wont leave me ever but the truth is, I love him the most in my entire family and I will always fear disappointing him . I would sometimes fake sleeping so that he kisses me on my cheek and tuck me in. You may think I am weird but I’ll tell you if you don’t feel that way for your brother; either you’re doing something wrong or you’re brother is.  It’s not like we don’t fight, we fight all the time but once a week, or month or blue moon, we have our own moments.

 

That is all about the family I grew up with maybe later I’ll tell you more about the other family members but as for now, I want to just focus on the family who made me who I am. My family is such, that you could adapt to it, you could relate to it and maybe, just maybe you could be a part of it. 

INTRODUCTION

I am, as of now, nobody. My name is not a secret and maybe at some point of time I would tell everyone who I actually I am, where I live, where I am as I write and maybe why I’m the way I am? I believe a writer should reveal certain details only when he/she thinks the time is right.  A writer should control its reader not the other way around.

The reason why I cant disclose my identity is because, this blog, isn’t just about me, its about how I live my life with someone else’s life constantly trying to merge in, how I break hearts, how my heart has never been broken till now. This blog, is my confession page, I will try not to judge anyone, but if I do, please don’t judge me; I am not a bad person. I am a good person with inner dark motives who I keep fighting with. Its like I have this person inside of me, who keeps on telling me to be a sadist, to secretly wish someone I love dies so that I could just feel alive and I regret it so much. It makes me want to die at times.

If you see me, you would be shocked; you don’t expect a little thing like me to have such heavy thoughts. I have jet black hair; you know the colour when you mix a bowl full of water with just a stroke of black? That is exactly what my hair colour looks like; Shiny and eternal. I have a small face with big eyes and I am really skinny; and I like myself. People usually consider me as a good person to vent out to, which is also why I cant identify myself; I’m afraid when I talk about people, a part of me may judge them and I am sure a part of them will never understand what I actually mean. You know how people tend to eat whatever someone offers them on a plate? Even if it’s raw? They don’t even try to reassure or analyse the cause, they just consume it; just like secrets and rumours.

In my world, I try not to judge; and  I usually demand for people to listen to me but I doubt they care, I mean, why should they? Here is something you should note down, I am a person who gives advice and supports those who cry, which also makes me the most lovable person sometimes and also a person who is least cared about. People think I am strong, which I don’t deny, I am strong but the question is how strong and till when? If estimated I tell more than 50 lies everday to make someone feel better, which doesn’t make me any better than a liar but when someone comes to me to talk, that person expects me to make him/her feel better not solve the problem. The problem solving part is not mine but theirs; I just tell them what they never want to hear like, he’ll never come back to you, maybe he’s just confused ; I guess the main point is to prepare them for the worst, I mean, what if he does come back, you’d at least be happy that something you wanted happened, and if it doesn’t? You can atleast tell your heart, i told you so!

See, the sad part about being the person I am, is that people expect so much out of you, they expect you to handle yourself when you really cant, they expect you not to cry and what not! How can you believe your own advice when you know its just a big lie to make someone feel better? Can that lie ever comfort you?

I am a happy person, believe me, I really am; and as from now, I am the writer of this blog-diary. I am a writer and the only thing I really know about myself is that I  don’t give.

Until you don’t.

xoxo

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